The Covert Narcissism Podcast

1. Why Can’t Covert Narcissists Give In Communication And What To Do About It (Throwback Episode)

One thing you must realize is that the way a covert narcissist interacts with you is not about you. They learned these interaction traits in childhood. Somewhere at a young age, they learned that offering give in a conversation is dangerous and painful. They learned that give equals attack.You can see this is how you react to their attacks. You learn that it isn't safe to offer peace in conversations with them. They learned this as a child and developed a phobia of give.They can't say something

May 25,2023 21:08

2. It’s a Great Deal For Them

Who wouldn’t want someone who doted over you all the time? Giving in to your every desire? Monitoring your mood constantly and adjusting accordingly? Working overtime to figure out whatever might possibly upset you and running interference before it happens? Doing all the work?Let’s be honest. It’s a great deal, right? Great for the covert narcissist.We spend all of our energy making them happy. We will bend over backwards, stand on our heads, spin in circles, jump up and down, or sit in a corne

May 28,2023 17:06

3. It Would Have Just Been Easier If..

It would have been so much easier if he just would have hit me, just once. But he didn’t.It would have been easier if he had just been a jerk to me all the time. But he wasn’t.It would be easier to see the abuse.It would be easier to talk about it and identify it.It would be easier to explain it to others.It would be easier to leave.It would be easier to not be in the relationship in the first place.It would just be easier if they were an asshole all the time. But they aren't. There certainly we

May 21,2023 15:32

4. Signs that They are NOT a Narcissist

I tried so hard to convince myself that my husband was not a narcissist. I truly did not want to accept this about him. At first, when I was researching narcissism, out of desperation and survival, many things lined up. I checked a whole lot of the boxes that applied.But then I would go back and rethink them. Well…maybe not this one. Maybe it doesn’t apply. Maybe that one isn’t true. At least not all the time. It’s normal to have some disagreements and some emotionally heated times. Maybe this i

May 14,2023 17:51

5. Single Most Painful Moment in My Marriage

In January, on a cold wet day, sitting in my van in the parking lot of a restaurant, I sobbed uncontrollably. I dialed my dad's number, but when he answered, I could not speak. I just sat there and cried. He knew that I was having lunch with my husband that day. He knew that I was going to try to open up to him in an extremely raw and vulnerable way. And now, I just cried. Not even knowing the details of what had transpired, my dad cried with me. This was the single most painful moment in my mar

Apr 30,2023 17:25

6. The Subtleties of Covert Narcissism: Guest episode with Thomas

Covert narcissists feel like a trade up when we have been in an abusive relationship with a more overt narcissist in our past. It seems like such a win! Finally you have found a caring, empathic person. They can seem so genuine and real. But yet all the traits of narcissism are still there! They are just so covered and passive. We don't see them for who they are until we are hooked in and trapped. AND...then when we do see them, we still doubt what we are really seeing!

Apr 27,2023 25:58

7. Guest Episode with Erin Riley, Author of A Dark Force, 20 Years with a Covert Narcissist

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Erin Riley was born in New York City and attended Trenton State College in New Jersey where she studied as little as possible.At the tender age of 19, she escaped to Los Angeles and quite by accident fell into what would become an exciting and influential 40-year career in the music and entertainment industries, choosing hit songs for Major Market Radio stations and developing ne

Apr 21,2023 25:28

8. Gaslighting: Cruel Psychological Abuse

Do you know what the word of the year for 2022 was? According to Merriam Webster? Guess? Right now, what do you think that word was?I would have guessed narcissism or narcissist. Those two words are flying around everyone right now. Nope! Not those words, but yet still a word that we all know all too well.The word of the year was gaslighting! I wasn’t surprised when I read this. All of these words are getting thrown around an awful lot. Gaslighting is certainly one of those words. As popular as

Apr 16,2023 21:11

9. Silent Treatment and Covert Narcissism

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast What exactly is the silent treatment?For many of us, we experienced this in middle school. Our best friend gets mad at us and stops talking to us. It’s a temper tantrum because we hurt their feelings or didn’t do what they wanted. “I’ll show you. I won’t talk to you anymore.” It’s a form of teaching someone a lesson. You no longer deserve my time, attention, and communication. Yo

Apr 09,2023 20:57

10. Guest episode with High Conflict Divorce Coach, Eleanor Marks

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Divorcing a covert narcissist is an unpredictable and terrifying endeavor. It is often full of manipulation tactics, controlling actions, deceitful communication, and much more. The journey is exhausting, overwhelming, and isolating. But you are NOT alone, and you ARE stronger than you know. Going through this process more publicly now with lawyers, mediators, judges, and family

Apr 06,2023 22:11

11. What DOES Healthy Look Like?

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Will I ever know it if I have a healthy relationship? I’m finally out of a toxic relationship, again, after a repeated cycle. I think my picker is broken. I’ll never date again. It isn’t worth the risk.Is there a difference between love bombing and the

Apr 02,2023 23:28

12. Why Is It So Hard To Explain Covert Narcissistic Abuse To Someone?

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Why can't I explain it to my friends? Why don't they get it? Why does it all sound so petty and trivial? When I’m trying to explain it to someone, I even think I sound petty. But it’s not! There is nothing petty about the nightmare that you are living!

Mar 23,2023 13:13

13. The Victim of Covert Narcissism and the Wizard of Oz, Part 2

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Dorothy's journey on the yellow brick road is a journey of a lifetime with a covert narcissist. She firmly believes that this path is the right path to get her home, or back to herself once again. She is convinced that the Wizard of Oz is her rescuer,

Mar 19,2023 20:40

14. Hearing Our Kids: Words From My Son

It is my great privilege to introduce to you my oldest son. After living this nightmare in our home for 18 years, he now shares his perspective for the very first time.Here he answers some questions that were put forth from my listeners:When did the light bulb go on for you that something wasn’t right here?Did you carry the weight of this situation? Did you blame yourself?In looking back, is there something you wish you had done or known differently or sooner, for your mental health?What impact

Mar 16,2023 28:19

15. Living Through COVID with a Covert Narcissist - Special Guest Episode

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast COVID had an enormous impact on marriages. Trapping everyone in their homes and taking away other social avenues not only brought out more abuse, but also caused many victims to start identifying abusive behavior that was already happening. Things simpl

Mar 09,2023 23:23

16. The Stages of Grief as they Relate to Covert Narcissism

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast When you are coming to grips with the thought that you are in a long-term marriage with a covert narcissist, you will go through the stages of grief. In fact, just living with a covert narcissist, already has you in these stages, and you don’t even real

Feb 26,2023 23:43

17. A Thousand Bee Stings - Special Throwback Episode

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast A relationship with a covert narcissist is like getting a thousand bee stings. Any individual event can seem so small and insignificant, like a single bee sting. No big deal, right? WRONG!! Because it isn't just one bee sting, it is a thousand!One singl

Feb 23,2023 13:35

18. Their Anger Has NOTHING To Do With YOU

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Covert narcissists go 0-100 over things that just simply do not justify all the anger. Whether the anger shows aggressively or passively, it is still there. Whether it is yelling and cursing, or huffing and coldly staring, that anger is felt by you, the

Feb 19,2023 22:13

19. Long-Term Marriage With a Covert Narcissist

On today’s show, I have a guest who has been in a long-term marriage with a covert narcissistic husband, over three decades long. She joined CNG group coaching to try to find some answers. As she listened to the stories of the other group members, she found herself thinking that the people she met there deserved better. "That person deserves better than that," while listening to one story. "Oh, this one deserves better too," upon hearing another story. But then her eyes opened, “Oh! Wait a minut

Feb 05,2023 20:57

20. Marriage Counseling with a Covert Narcissist

Life with a covert narcissist - those words really hold so much meaning in them, anyone who has lived this knows what I am saying with those simple words.As I have explained many times in these episodes, is not the normal path of give and take, mutual reconciliation, mutual respect and courtesy. It is a very one-sided relationship. One with you doing all the work, doing the work for two individuals, carrying all the weight of the relationship. All the while being blamed for anything and everythi

Jan 29,2023 23:06

21. There is Life Outside of Narcissism

There is a YOU in there that has been buried under this thing called narcissism, and especially covert narcissism. And it is truly like being buried! Buried under the weight of this relationship you are in or have been in. Buried under their judgment, sensitivity, blame, superiority, entitlement, harshness. Buried under your own over-thinking, over-analyzing, walking on eggshells, playing through a hundred ways to say something, being perfect, blaming yourself.But this is a new year! New year, n

Jan 01,2023 20:08

22. Holiday Time and Narcissistic Supply

Spending any holiday time, vacation time, family time, or even date time with a covert narcissist is an awful lot like pulling a Chance card in Monopoly. If you are an avid player of the game or even a casual player, then you know that feeling of landing on Chance and having no idea if this is a good thing or not. Will it be a reward of something great or a punishment for an imaginary crime? Either way, it has nothing to do with any action on your part.With the CN, this can turn out to be a good

Dec 25,2022 19:47

23. Take Back Your Holiday Joy

It is so very easy to be consumed by the gloom and doom of life with a covert narcissist. It feels dark, overwhelming and hopeless, and it is. However, there absolutely IS life outside of narcissism! Someone recently reached out to me expressing the need for more episodes with words of encouragement and hope. And what a great time of the year to do so!! So I thank that individual for reaching out to me. I love to hear from you all, so please share your feedback with me. This is your podcast, not

Dec 18,2022 21:44

24. Is It Okay To Care About Them and Still Walk Away?

Is It Okay To Care About Them and Still Walk Away?ABSOLUTELY YES!!!I hear so many people questioning themselves about walking away from abusive relationships. I really care about him/her.I really do love them. Shouldn’t I stick it out? Don’t all relationships have issues?I know they are hurting and need to be loved.I know this will hurt them even more, how can I do that to them?Does the following sound familiar to you? You are in a relationship, and something in your relationship just isn’t righ

Dec 11,2022 16:48

25. Emotional Dumping

I said to a friend once, “I am afraid to leave my boys at home alone with their father.”She said, “That is quite alarming and not okay. Why do you say that?’”I realized right then how incredibly difficult this is to explain. I was not afraid for their physical safety. He wasn’t going to hit them. He wasn’t going to throw things and scare them. Most of the time, he wasn’t even going to yell at them. But he was going to emotionally dump on them. They were trapped victims to this horrible form of

Dec 04,2022 18:42

26. You Don’t See It Until You See It

You don’t see it until you see it. You can’t unsee once you see it.One day, all of a sudden, I just saw it. My thoughts were, "hey this is a problem.""Something just isn’t right here." Before this, I made excuses. I justified everything.He’s not feeling well today.He had a rough childhood.He is stressed at work.He didn’t have siblings.The kids were being loud and frustrating.Our son could have been more obedient.I could have been more understanding.I could have said that better.I should have kno

Nov 27,2022 16:58

27. The Ultimate Disconnect Between the Mind and Body

I know this nightmare that you are living. I lived it too. I know the daily pain of trying to matter, trying to be good enough, trying to somehow, magically, find peace in your world. A peace that just doesn’t exist.In this intense nightmare, that beautiful heart of yours separates from your head. It simply cannot take the pain anymore. It is an experience of complete disconnection. Logically, you know a lot of what is going on, but your heart just shuts down. It doesn’t work anymore. This is a

Nov 20,2022 18:25

28. Brinkmanship: The Crazy-Making Skills of a Covert Narcissist

My covert narcissistic husband loved the word "brinkmanship." He bragged about how no one knows what that word means and how great he is at it. This should have set alarm bells off in my head!! But it didn’t. Sure, I thought it was strange. This seemed like an odd word and an odd concept.Brinkmanship is the art or practice of pushing a dangerous situation or confrontation to the limit of safety, especially to force a desired outcome, the technique or practice of maneuvering a dangerous situation

Aug 13,2021 14:40

29. A Grenade Inside a Tank

Someone who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse is like a grenade inside a tank. On the inside, you are wound up so incredibly tight, over-thinking everything, over-analyzing everything. Just waiting to explode. On the outside, you are a fortress of steel. You have a wall of protection around you, afraid to say anything, to do anything, trusting no one, letting no one in. A grenade inside a tank.I’m Renee Swanson, your host and creator of the Covert Narcissism Podcast. Today I am talking d

Jul 31,2021 14:24

30. 4 Hooks that Covert Narcissists Use to Rope You Back In Once Again

Covert narcissists are experts at hooking a victim back in over and over and over.They know how to play on your sympathy. They know how to make you feel guilty and responsible for their well-being. They know how to make you feel needed and thus you stay to help them.So many victims of covert narcissists spend years and decades of wanting to leave the relationship only to be hooked back in again and again.Start learning what these hooks look like, how to recognize them for what they are, and how

Jul 23,2021 25:02

31. The Bone Dry Exhaustion of Life with a Covert Narcissist

A narcissistic person cannot even do step A to help a relationship. You can wear the entire alphabet out multiple times, and they still haven't even found step A. Not even a tiny step. Nothing!The level of exhaustion that comes with this is unbelievable. It is a bone dry emptiness. I had absolutely nothing left in my tank. I was on empty!So why do we wear ourselves out so much trying to make the relationship work? Why do we work so hard at it? What if we put all that effort into ourselves? It is

Jul 13,2021 15:48

32. Interview about covert narcissism

Victims of covert narcissism have so many questions running through their mind. While I do get asked many questions, some questions show up in almost every conversation.How did you realize you were with a covert narcissist?What is a covert narcissist?What does a relationship with a covert narcissist look like?What do I do now?Where can I find help?I was recently interviewed regarding covert narcissism. In this interview, I answer these questions and more. Here are clips from that interview. I th

Jul 05,2021 16:53

33. Trauma Bonding Part One of Two

Why can’t I actually leave this relationship? I want to! I’m tired of being treated this way. I’m tired of the ups and downs. I want stability. I want peace. I want less drama. Why can’t I actually walk away? Why do I keep coming back? Why do I continue to give them another chance, over and over? What is wrong with me? Am I crazy?If this is you, what you are experiencing is trauma bonding. Trauma bonding keeps us tied to this person, no matter how badly they treat us. How does this work? Trauma

Apr 03,2022 20:49

34. Removing Trauma from the Body

Midweek special episode!!Dr. Melissa Kalt, M.D. specializes in removing the trauma of narcissistic abuse from the body. She brings so much insight to the topic, and I thoroughly enjoyed interviewing her for our audience. This interview is extremely informative and helpful. To further pursue work with her, visit here.Dr. Melissa is a graduate of the Medical College of Wisconsin – triple-board-certified in Internal Medicine, Pediatrics, and Lipidology. She was voted to the US Best Doctors™ list by

Jan 06,2022 21:30

35. It’s About What the Victim Doesn’t See

So you find yourself trying to answer some questions. Is my partner a covert narcissist? Am I a victim of abuse? What exactly is a covert narcissist?Many people know the term narcissist. We see it as the loud, boisterous person who is always the center of attention. They are arrogant, superior to everyone else, and a know-it-all. They don’t bother trying to hide this and in fact seem to love it about themselves.You might be thinking, “This description doesn’t quite fit my partner. The arrogance

Oct 18,2021 22:46

36. Just Hard to Relax - Living in a Courtroom with a Covert Narcissism

Living with a covert narcissist is like trying to live in a war zone or in a courtroom when you are the one on trial.My son is traveling this week with his dad, who is a covert narcissist. I have been nervous about this trip and sincerely hope that everything goes well for them. I texted my son on their second day out and asked how it was going. His words spoke volumes. He said that it is going ok but it is just hard to relax.This is exactly how life is with a covert narcissist. You never feel l

Jun 27,2021 21:07

37. Living in the Narcissistic FOG

There is a reason that this word FOG always appears in capital letters now. It is an acronym for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. These words explain the progression of things for the victim of narcissistic abuse, and even more so with covert narcissistic abuse.The internal reaction of, “I’ll never do that again,” or "I'll never say that again," is the beginning of FEAR. Whatever it was that provoked that reaction from them that you just experienced, you will now avoid at all costs. Fear of their ang

Mar 27,2022 21:40

38. Grasping Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism is messed up! It is so twisted you feel like you are going insane just trying to get a grasp on what’s going on. It is so hard to pinpoint and impossible to describe. You can’t possibly explain it to someone who hasn’t experienced it themselves. Trying to makes you sound crazy, even to yourself. So now you question your own sanity. It is mind-boggling and exhausting. Many victims collapse into a pile of nothing and give up. I don’t blame them. I have been there many times. I kn

Jan 03,2022 21:06

39. Two Tools for Healing from Covert Narcissistic Abuse

I hear so many people say, "My therapist doesn't have a clue about narcissism. And especially covert narcissism." They go to therapy for years and seem to make no progress in healing. Therapists, no matter how good they are, if they haven't lived through covert narcissism, then they will not entirely understand.I was blessed to have found a therapist that understood narcissism. In fact, it was the first therapist I went to regarding my marriage. He was such a huge help to me. He had lived narcis

Oct 10,2021 22:27

40. Q&A Session on Parenting with a Toxic Partner

Parenting with a toxic partner is the single hardest thing I have ever done in life. It is a living nightmare!You are not co-parenting. You are counter parenting. You are working against the negative energy of that other parent. You spend enormous amounts of energy simply trying to counter the damage that they are doing to their own children.It is exhausting and impossible. Yet for the sake of your own children, it is a task that you will give everything you have in order to be successful. I hop

Jun 21,2021 21:25

41. 3 Landmarks that Boosted Me Forward

Last night, I was caught off guard with a question I had not really thought about. I was not prepared to answer this question about my journey with a covert narcissistic husband. Here's the question:Name 3 significant landmarks along the way. Three things that boosted me forward on this journey and got me to where I am today.At first, I only thought of external events. Things that actually took place on a specific day and involved people in my life. These events were what I named at the time. Bu

Mar 20,2022 21:23

42. Victims Often Join the Abuse Themselves

Not only do victims of covert narcissistic abuse not see the abuse, they often join the abuser in abusing themselves. It’s the perfect storm built by this abuser in your life. Their circular conversations, projection, blame shifting, guilt manipulating, and many other tactics leave you, the victim, in complete confusion.You accept the projecting, blaming and guilting. You defend yourself but the circular conversations convince you that you are wrong. Ultimately, you decide that maybe you are the

Dec 26,2021 19:16

43. Passive Aggressiveness and Gaslighting

I am losing my mind! Apparently everything I do hurts his feelings. I can’t get anything right.I go out of my way to make him feel happy and everything hurts his feelings. I go out of my way to leave him alone and give him space and everything hurts his feelings.One day he says this, the next day he says that. I don’t know what to do anymore.If this is you, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist!Their passive aggressiveness and gaslighting create an environment where you are constantly wa

Oct 04,2021 22:54

44. Shouldn’t I just be grateful that it isn’t worse!?!

This podcast is audio taken from 2 short video clips that I made just recently. I want to share it here!The first piece is Shouldn't I just be Grateful that it isn't Worse? So many people have it worse than I do. Should I just be happy that I am not in their situation? Just because others may have it worse (and that is a matter of opinion itself) does not take anything away from the pain you are experiencing. If you are questioning this, please listen to this piece!The second part is Everything

Jun 17,2021 20:02

45. Everything you say and do can and will get used against you

I mean everything!! You never feel safe interacting with this person. This is why this particular type of abuse is so exhausting. While the abuse may not be constant, the risk of it is. The potential is always there. You never know with anything you say or do if it will set them off.When you are with a covert narcissist, everything you do gets used against you. Everything you say. Everything you do. Even every kind or compassionate act you do.In this episode, I give you personal examples from my

Mar 13,2022 20:38

46. Blame Shifting - A Powerful Tool for the Covert Narcissist

If you don't tell me to do it, then it is your fault that it didn't get done. If you tell me to do it, then it is your fault if it doesn't go right. Have you ever heard these words or experienced these attitudes? Covert narcissists are SO good at dodging responsibility. I used to wonder why he wouldn’t even choose the restaurant for our dinner. Many years later, I discovered that he wouldn’t choose so that nothing could ever be his fault. Why would he not make the plans for our vacation? But yet

Dec 19,2021 18:23

47. I Lost Myself to a Covert Narcissist

A Covert narcissist takes over your life. I have heard so many victims so I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I just want to be me again. I feel like I lost myself.One of the problems of living with a covert narcissist is that your mind is constantly wrapped up in the past and the future. The present is NOT safe. Out of the need for survival, we stay in the past and future.One of the pitfalls of covert narcissists is that they are completely wrapped up in their own mind. They are living entir

Sep 27,2021 16:32

48. Clinging to the Breadcrumbs

Have you ever said...But we have some good times together. Remember that one day…. Remember that one time…. Are you building an intimate relationship on breadcrumbs?Sure, we would have some good times together. We had evenings that were successful and happy. We had the occasional weekends where his anger stayed in check. But I came to the realization that I was hanging on to those all-too-rare times and pretending that they were our reality. I was desperately trying to build a home and raise kid

Jun 13,2021 16:39

49. Compare the life of a covert narcissist with the life of their victim

Are you trying to decide if all you are going through is "normal," or if it is fair and reasonable? In the last two episodes, I have talked about the codependency traits that so many victims have in common and the eternal victim role that covert narcissists play. These two things get trapped together so incredibly often.On one side, you have a person who does no self-reflection, no self-improvement, and no internal work. Instead they express out all the ways they have been hurt in life. The abus

Mar 06,2022 19:05

50. The Narcissism Spectrum

Narcissism is not a clear cut issue. It isn’t a yes or no answer. It is an extremely complicated issue. One minute you can feel like you have a grasp on it, and the next minute that grasp simply disappears.You can think you finally understand it and then be at a loss for words in trying to explain it to someone else. “I got it. This makes sense,” you think. The next day you wake up, and everything is all jumbled up again. What really is narcissism? Is this really how he/she is acting? Are they o

Dec 13,2021 18:46

51. How Does This Get Better?

How do I fix this? I used to ask that for years. Every day of my lifeI can fix anything. If I can just help him to see… If I can just find the right words…How does this get better? I get asked this by so many people. Victims who are in the exact place that I used to be. Women and men who are desperate for things to get better. And these are people who are willing to do whatever it takes. People who are dedicated with every fiber of their being.Let me tell you something - Your life gets better wh

Sep 20,2021 19:44

52. Why do I Wonder if I am the Narcissist

Many victims of covert narcissistic abuse wonder if they themselves are the narcissist. Why is this? We finally begin to identify what is going on in our world, and then we are met with an overwhelming amount of doubt. What if I am the problem? Is it me?Covert narcissists often accuse their victim of being a narcissist. They project their own behaviors onto their victim and blame them of many of the things they themselves are doing. They will point out things that you are doing that makes them t

Jun 08,2021 15:44

53. The Eternal Victim Role of a Covert Narcissist

I hear so many people who have lived with a covert narcissist describe this person as a victim of everything. They can make everything be an attack on them or another way they got slighted.Covert narcissists love to play the victim role. They see themselves as an eternal victim. They will deny this of course. If you try to talk to them about it, then they will often react with sullenness and despair at how much your words are hurting them. Taking them right back into that victim role. Of course,

Feb 27,2022 22:36

54. Breaking the Internal Chains of Abuse

Memories can absolutely haunt victims of covert narcissistic abuse for years!! They trigger us, causing massive internal reactions. Anxiety, tension, pain in the gut, shaking, twitching, upset stomach, increased blood pressure and heart rate, panic attacks, and so on.All of this from a simple memory that still haunts you today. This is PTSD and can create problems for years, decades, even the rest of your life.December 2nd was a significant day in my world with my covert narcissistic husband, wh

Dec 05,2021 21:29

55. Covert Narcissists See Their World Through a Filter of Anger

Covert narcissists seem to have absolutely no emotional intelligence, inside themselves or with the world around them. The general consensus is that they have no understanding of basic human emotion, especially other people’s emotions. But even their own.They continuously stomp all over your feelings and don’t show an ounce of care about it. They can talk harshly and callously one minute and be confused as to why you don’t want to hold their hand or go to bed with them the very next minute.Even

Sep 15,2021 21:11

56. No Reconciliation Ever with a Covert Narcissist

It is impossible to reconcile with a covert narcissist! All relationships have disagreements and misunderstandings. People in healthy relationships help carry each other's blame and responsibility. They both apologize, and they both give each other room for humanness.This is not the case when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist. You are not allowed to be human. There is no room for mistakes or misunderstandings. Trying to reconcile with them is one of the most infuriating things t

Jun 04,2021 16:30

57. Radical Personal Responsibility

I often get asked:Why did this happen to me? How did I get here? How do I prevent it from ever happening again? How do I heal from this?These are excellent questions and they are very related to each other. Why did this happen to me has a whole lot to do with how do I prevent it from ever happening again. How did I get here is tied closely with how do I heal from this.You need to know about Radical Personal Responsibility - Your special weapon that is unreachable for narcissistic individuals.T

May 29,2022 19:36

58. How My Codependent Tendencies Led Me Straight to a Covert Narcissist

I now know the role that my own codependent tendencies played in creating this match. This match that I was convinced was made in heaven. This match that I truly believed was perfect. This match that was such a disaster. This match that nearly destroyed my own health and the lives of my boys.I realize now how much my own background played a part in all of this. How that very background could cause me to easily repeat this pattern, like so many do. So many victims leave one abusive relationship a

Feb 20,2022 20:13

59. The Narcissist’s Prayer Part 2

This 2-part series on the Narcissist’s prayer serves a guide through the circular conversations and manipulative tactics of a covert narcissist. Each step expresses a ploy used by the covert narcissist to take the pressure off of them and put it onto you.These tactics include gaslighting, denial, guilt manipulation, passive aggressiveness, blame shifting, victim playing, projecting and a complete unwillingness to have any give.The covert narcissist might not use these exact words, but the attitu

Dec 02,2021 17:28

60. Two Things You Should Never Say to a Victim of Covert Narcissism

There are some things that people should just never say to a victim of narcissistic abuse, and specifically covert narcissistic abuse. As a victim myself, I know that It is so hard sometimes to find people who understand and actually know how to provide the unique support that this victim needs. They need to feel heard and validated in a way that most people don’t seem to understand.In this episode, I discuss two things that people should never say to these victims, two things that you don’t wan

Sep 05,2021 23:21

61. Why Can’t Covert Narcissists Give in Communication and What To Do About It

One thing you must realize is that the way a covert narcissist interacts with you is not about you. They learned these interaction traits in childhood. Somewhere at a young age, they learned that offering give in a conversation is dangerous and painful. They learned that give equals attack.You can see this is how you react to their attacks. You learn that it isn't safe to offer peace in conversations with them. They learned this as a child and developed a phobia of give.They can't say something

May 30,2021 19:46

62. Interview with Debbie Mirza

What a privilege it is to introduce to you Debbie Mirza! She is best-selling author of the book "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist," one of the first books I ever read that opened my eyes to the nightmare that I was living. This book is an amazing resource for gaining awareness and understanding of covert narcissism.Her second book "Worthy of Love' presents a gentle and restorative path to healing after narcissistic abuse. Debbie is a beautiful testimony that healing is possible and thriv

May 22,2022 30:48

63. Midweek Check In #2

Grasping covert narcissism is like grasping the wind. It is here one minute and gone the next. We think we have a solid grasp on it only to watch that slip away.This only adds to the confusion we have, causing many victims to slip back into the cycle and blame themselves once again.Because of this, I am adding a Wednesday podcast that is a midweek check in. This will be brief reviews of key elements to keep present in your mind.My goal is to help you keep clarity on how you are feeling and why,

Feb 16,2022 22:18

64. The Narcissist’s Prayer Part 1

That didn't happen.And if it did, it wasn't that bad.And if it was, that's not a big deal.And if it is, that's not my fault.And if it was, I didn't mean it.And if I did, you deserved it.This short verse illustrates the inner workings of a covert narcissist’s mind. This sums up all the circular conversations, gaslighting, denial, guilt manipulation, passive aggressiveness, blame shifting, victim playing, projecting, and absolutely no give of a covert narcissist. The truth is simply whatever serve

Nov 29,2021 18:17

65. Guilt Manipulation: How a Covert Narcissist Uses Your Own Guilt Against You

Guilt is such a unique thing. It can be wonderful and horrible all at the same time.Many of us are raised to feel guilty when we do something that we should not or when we hurt someone’s feelings. We are taught that we should feel bad and make it right. This is not a bad thingGuilt motivates us to apologize. It motivates us to do right and to fix things. Without guilt, we might not make amends. We might not make it right.Guilt leaves this uncomfortable feeling inside of us and pushes us to resol

Aug 28,2021 16:37

66. The Agonizing Lack of Give in a Covert Narcissist

I am going to try to explain the unexplainable. The lack of give when communicating with a covert narcissist. The absence of the regular flow of give and take that thus makes you feel that you are talking to a void. It is painful, absolutely exhausting, and crushing to your spiritWhen in regular casual conversation with someone, we often confirm that we are hearing what the other person is saying. We make little sounds, comments, and gestures: such as a nod, a smile, yeah, uh-huh, true, sure, et

May 27,2021 19:33

67. The True Intentions of the Covert Narcissist

Have you ever tried to figure out someone’s true intentions? Have you been suspicious of the intentions behind one’s behaviors? Have you ever asked yourself, Yeah but what do they really want?Covert narcissists hide their true intentions. You can feel this when you talk with them. Something just doesn’t feel quite right. It doesn’t feel genuine. Everything they do and say has a hidden agenda. What is that agenda? What are their true intentions?The true intentions of a covert narcissistic person

May 15,2022 20:34

68. Entitlement - Feeding that False Self of Covert Narcissism

The entitlement of a narcissistic person screams, "I am special simply because! I am better than everyone. I am more important than everyone. Everyone knows I am special and should treat me as such."Individuals with narcissistic tendencies expect special treatment. They feel that good things should come their way simply because of who they are. Not because of anything they have or haven't done, but rather just because they "deserve" it.They believe that they are superior to others and thus deser

Feb 13,2022 21:38

69. Episode 5 - How do We Turn the Survival Skills Off

So how do we build healthy relationships after being with a covert narcissist? How are these trauma responses affecting us still? How do we turn them off?Our trauma responses to an abusive environment are survival skills and natural instincts under threatening circumstances. They range from physical outbursts of yelling and throwing things to internal reactions of shutting down and internalizing everything. These learned behaviors affect our lives drastically and all of our relationships with ot

Nov 21,2021 23:03

70. What Really is a Covert Narcissist

Many people are struggling to understand what a covert narcissist actually is. I recently heard a podcast that was trying to figure out what a covert narcissist really is. They clearly, like so many, did not understand. I was surprised when they said, "Aren’t all narcissists covert because they all do things in secret?" They were talking about secret affairs, abuse behind closed doors, secret communication, private financial endeavors, and so on. They were questioning if all narcissists were cov

Aug 23,2021 17:20

71. 8 Signs of a Circular Conversations from , Part 2

Being trapped in a circular conversation with a covert narcissist is dreadful!! It is the loneliest place on earth. You feel completely destitute and isolated. If you have ever experienced this, you know what I am talking about.In these two episodes, I address and describe 8 signs of these circular conversations. Here is a quick list of those signs:1. You find yourself teaching an adult about basic communication skills and basic human emotions.2. You find yourself thinking, “If I could just find

May 24,2021 15:08

72. The Effects of Projections and Expectations

Since you are here listening to this, you have probably done some amount of research into narcissism. By now, you have probably run into the word projection as it relates to narcissism.A relationship that is built on projections and expectations is a relationship that is doomed to struggle. I talk about this a lot in my group coaching program, but I have realized that I have never done a podcast episode on it. It is definitely time!Let’s define what projection is. It is the process of misinterpr

May 08,2022 23:27

73. A Deeper Look at Passive Aggressive Behavior

Covert narcissists are experts at passive aggressiveness. They have this down so well. As a victim of the abuse, we are so conditioned that we don’t see it! Cognitive dissonance keeps us blind to so much for so long. I tell you now though, once you start to see what is going on, you cannot unsee it. Once you cross that threshold, you can’t go back. The door behind you closes and locks.Can you put the passive aggressive behavior into words? Can you describe it, define it, explain it? Can you give

Feb 06,2022 28:05

74. Episode 4 - The Survival Skills of a Covert Narcissist and Their Victim

Have you ever wondered if you are the narcissist in this relationship? Maybe you have even been accused of it by your abusive partner? Have you seen glimpses within yourself of narcissistic reactions? There are very distinct reasons that you see signs of narcissism in you or your children, and they have to do with the survival skills we have been discussing in this series. No, this does not make you a narcissist! I want to explain to you why you see this, what really is happening, and what to do

Nov 18,2021 24:05

75. 8 Signs of a Circular Conversations from , Part 1

Covert narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding, reconciliation, or compromise. They don't see them as a way to connect with a loved one, to spend time getting to know each other better. To them, conversations are about winning. They are for putting the other person down and showing their superiority.Conversations are competitions. One person comes out a winner, and one a loser. This is warfare. It is the single most lonely place on the face of this earth. If you have experience

May 22,2021 15:53

76. My Muck Sweeping Broom

I was SO good at sweeping things under the rug! I could take any huge bad things that happened and just make it disappear.Do you know what I mean? Have you ever experienced this?Maybe you have heard this phrase before and don’t really know what it’s talking about. I am going to explain it right here and give you personal examples from my world.I recently realized that the broom I used the most actually has a title. Here’s what I mean. Sweeping things under the rug refers to all the times that we

May 01,2022 19:56

77. Midweek Check In

Grasping covert narcissism is like grasping the wind. It is here one minute and gone the next. We think we have a solid grasp on it only to watch that slip away.This only adds to the confusion we have, causing many victims to slip back into the cycle and blame themselves once again.Because of this, I am adding a Wednesday podcast that is a midweek check in. This will be brief reviews of key elements to keep present in your mind.My goal is to help you keep clarity on how you are feeling and why,

Feb 02,2022 21:00

78. Episode 3 - Tactical Responses to the Trauma of Abuse

Have you ever found yourself to be extremely defensive, feeling the need to protect yourself before anyone even attacks? How about having the burning need to be perfect so nothing ever goes wrong?When you are living in an abusive situation, physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, you develop survival tactics. As a human being, you are wired to protect yourself. This is normal!The tactical responses we have come from the drive to take the situation at hand and find ways to make it wor

Nov 15,2021 23:24

79. Covert Narcissists Seem so Genuine

Even people who are aware of narcissism and victims themselves can still end up in a relationship with a covert narcissist. They seem so real, genuine, open, and vulnerable. Why do they seem so genuine?A covert narcissist is more in love with the idea of being a compassionate person than actually being a compassionate person. They fool us because their desire to be that compassionate person is real. They do WANT to be that. They just have no ability to be that.They are more in love with the idea

May 19,2021 13:40

80. I Want Out, Now What??

I can’t keep living like this. I’ve tried everything I know to try. Things might get better for a little while, but it never lasts. I continuously find myself right back in the same place. Over and over trying to explain how I feel and everything is always flipped back at me. I’ve been doing this for years, or even decades, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve tried everything I can try. I’m damaged. My kids are damaged. I’m done. I want out, now what?That very thought can be intensely overwhelm

Apr 24,2022 23:13

81. The Mixed-Up Emotions as the Relationship Ends

I was so excited for the day that my husband was to move out of our home. I just knew how happy I would be. You could not erase the smile off my face as he was loading his last load. Finally!! This day was here. He would no longer be in my home. My home!! That sounded so amazing. He drove off with his last things. I just knew I would be dancing in the street.But I wasn’t. I was overwhelmed with emotions I didn’t expect. I dropped on my bed and sobbed. I cried for many days. Why? This isn’t what

Jan 30,2022 22:43

82. Episode 2 - Internal Trauma Responses to Covert Abuse

Has your partner ever accused you of pulling away from the relationship? Of shutting down? Of being emotionally unavailable? Maybe you even feel that you are. Then you wonder if this is all your fault for not being engaged with them anymore. This is another example of reactive abuse or trauma response.My husband accused me of pulling away emotionally. I wanted to scream, Of course I’m pulling away! Even a child knows to pull away when they have been hurt over and over again. I was accused of not

Nov 10,2021 23:20

83. Why is it So Hard to Explain Covert Narcissistic Abuse to Someone?

Why can't I explain it to my friends? Why don't they get it? Why does it all sound so petty and trivial? When I’m trying to explain it to someone, I even think I sound petty. But it’s not! There is nothing petty about the nightmare that you are living! It sucks and you need people around you that get it, that understand.Covert narcissistic abuse is a nearly invisible abuse. It is hidden in things that are a normal part of life; little disagreements, a bad mood here and there, a short word out of

May 17,2021 13:24

84. Can You get PTSD from a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

Can you get PTSD or CPTSD from a relationship with a covert narcissist100% yes!! Let’s talk about PTSD and CPTSD in relation to narcissist abuse. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is trauma response triggered from a single terrifying event, such as:natural disaster home intrusion car accident serious injuryComplex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is trauma responses developed from ongoing or chronic trauma. It is prolonged traumatic events, such as:ongoing abuse childhood abuse domestic violence k

Apr 17,2022 20:51

85. First Steps of Healing from Covert Narcissistic Abuse

I get asked frequently, how do I heal from this? How do you ever get over it? How do you move forward? Will I ever trust again? Can I have a healthy relationship?These are excellent questions and they go through the minds of many victims of covert narcissistic abuse. The journey is tortuously painful and can seem completely unending. It feels like it will simply last forever. Not only is there no end in sight, there isn’t even a simple path going forward.If I do this, if I do that, if I go this

Jan 24,2022 20:12

86. Episode 1 - Reactive Abuse: The Physical and Outward Reactions of Victims

Episode 1 of a mini-series on reactive abuse and trauma responses. Have you wondered about your own sanity in all of this? Have you reached the end of your limit and simply exploded. Now you are the one yelling and screaming at him? Am I the abusive one? Should they come take me away?Many victims have had these experiences and thoughts. You are not alone and you are not crazy!What you are experiencing is often called reactive abuse. Have you ever heard of this? Reactive abuse is the survival ski

Nov 07,2021 22:54

87. A Thousand Bee Stings

A relationship with a covert narcissist is like getting a thousand bee stings. Any individual event can seem so small and insignificant, like a single bee sting. No big deal, right? WRONG!! Because it isn't just one bee sting, it is a thousand!One single example from your relationship can seem so petty and trivial. If it was a single event, it would be. But it's not. When you add all the stings together, you find yourself in an extreme amount of pain and anguish. Trying to explain it to someone

May 16,2021 10:43

88. The Excruciating Pain of Emotional Abandonment

I would never have said that abandonment was a concern for me in my marriage. He was never going to leave me. He would never run off with another woman. I knew that he would always be home in the evenings and on the weekends.Other people talked about the issue of abandonment. Some narcissists do run off with affairs. They discard their victim simply to get another one. But that didn’t apply in my situation. So I really didn’t think that abandonment was an issue for me.Until one day, I opened my

Apr 11,2022 18:37

89. This Was Never About You

THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU!!The way they talk to you The way they treat you The reactions they have The looks The silent treatment The circular conversations from The abuse All of itIt was never about you. You need to know that. You need to hear what I am saying.If you want to find healing inside of you, this is so vitally important. This experience you have been through, the pain, the anguish, the anxiety, none of it had anything to do with you.I’m Renee Swanson, creator of the Covert Narcissi

Jan 16,2022 22:23

90. How to Save Our Kids During a Traumatic Divorce with a Narcissist

Psychologist Dr. Erica Ellis joins us in this episode. She brings wonderful expertise regarding high conflict divorce and how to protect the children. Dr. Ellis is not only a licensed psychologist, but also a best-selling author, and a leading expert on child centered divorce. After working with over 1,000 divorcing families, many of which were high-conflict, over the past 30 years, she has discovered the crucial steps that every parent must take to protect their children and create a healthy fu

Oct 31,2021 24:41

91. Covert Narcissism and Hyper-Sensitivity

Covert narcissism is narcissism from a unique angle. The internal characteristics are the same as an overt narcissist, but it plays out differently.Narcissism is not defined in the DSM as the loud and boisterous life of the party. It does not list traits of hitting, cheating, and yelling. Rather, NPD is defined as having a grandiose sense of self-importance, requiring excessive admiration, believing that they are special, having a lack of empathy, jealous of others, and arrogant. These traits an

May 12,2021 14:49

92. Surviving the Holidays with a Covert Narcissist

How many holidays have you had ruined by a covert narcissist? How many Thanksgivings? How many Christmases or Hanukkah's? How about New Year's?Holidays are a wonderful time for narcissists to display their horrible behavior. They are often on full steam at such a time that your thoughts are on peacefulness, happiness, family time, making memories with your kids. They choose the absolute worst times to sabotage your attempts at happiness, your attempts at creating a positive environment for the f

Nov 06,2022 24:10

93. The Gradual Pain of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

The effects of narcissistic control, especially covert narcissistic control, are incredibly subtle and extremely gradual. Little by little, without even realizing it, you fall into the orbit of someone else’s preferences, desires, moods, and wishes. In other words, within their control. Until one day, you wake up and realize that you have altogether forgotten who you are and what you might have wanted in life.My next round of group coaching begins on October 11 and runs for 6 weeks. Beginning on

Sep 19,2022 19:07

94. Trauma Bonding Part Two

Let’s remember what trauma bonding is - In a simple definition, it is when the one who has hurt you is the one you turn to help you feel better. Trauma bonding feels like, “you’ve broken me into pieces but you’re the only one who can fix me.” The more you reach out to this covert abuser for love, recognition, comfort, validation, support, reconciliation, or closure, the stronger the trauma bond becomes.You could even call trauma bonding a conditioned dependency. You have been conditioned to rely

Apr 06,2022 24:56

95. What is Cognitive Dissonance and What Do I Do About It?

Survivors of covert narcissistic abuse feel like they are going crazy. They often tell me that they are losing their mind. They don’t know which end is up, what reality is or what to do next. They are often frozen in self-doubt and confusion.This is because of cognitive dissonance. In this episode, I am going to help you understand what cognitive dissonance is, why it happens, and what to do about it.Cognitive dissonance is when a single individual holds conflicting attitudes or beliefs within t

Jan 10,2022 24:15

96. Signs of Abuse Inside the Victim of a Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissism is so well hidden that most victims have no idea that it is abuse until they are many years, even decades, into a relationship. Some never ever see it.This is part 2 of the signs of covert narcissism. If you missed part one, go back and listen to last week’s episode. It is titled It’s About What the Victim Doesn’t See.In that episode I talk about the fact that the victim doesn’t see the abuse. I don’t want to take anything away from the fact that the world doesn’t see it either

Oct 24,2021 18:37

97. Welcome to The Covert Narcissism Podcast

This podcast is dedicated to those who are living the nightmare of covert narcissistic abuse. I share my story of a 21 year marriage with a covert narcissist. We will explore what covert narcissism is and how it differs from overt narcissism. I will discuss the deep scars and effects of the abuse and how to turn it into healing. I will include episodes on helping your children for those that are co-parenting with a covert narcissist.In this first episode, I describe how my eyes were opened to wh

May 10,2021 11:19

98. No Reconciliation Ever with a Covert Narcissist (Throwback Episode)

It is impossible to reconcile with a covert narcissist! All relationships have disagreements and misunderstandings. People in healthy relationships help carry each other's blame and responsibility. They both apologize, and they both give each other room for humanness.This is not the case when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist. You are not allowed to be human. There is no room for mistakes or misunderstandings. Trying to reconcile with them is one of the most infuriating things t

Jun 01,2023 17:53

99. The Agonizing Lack of Give in a Covert Narcissist (Throwback Episode)

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast I am going to try to explain the unexplainable. The lack of give when communicating with a covert narcissist. The absence of the regular flow of give and take that thus makes you feel that you are talking to a void. It is painful, absolutely exhausting, and crushing to your spiritWhen in regular casual conversation with someone, we often confirm that we are hearing what the other

May 18,2023 19:40

100. 8 Signs of Circular Conversations from a Covert Narcissist Part 2 (Throwback Episode)

Being trapped in a circular conversation with a covert narcissist is dreadful!! It is the loneliest place on earth. You feel completely destitute and isolated. If you have ever experienced this, you know what I am talking about.In these two episodes, I address and describe 8 signs of these circular conversations. Here is a quick list of those signs:1. You find yourself teaching an adult about basic communication skills and basic human emotions.2. You find yourself thinking, “If I could just find

May 11,2023 15:14

101. Fracturing Ourselves for the Covert Narcissist

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast What are some things you stopped doing because your covert narcissist made you feel weird or criticized you for it? I recently saw that someone had posted this question in the Covert Narcissism Facebook Group. If you’re not part of that yet, look it up. Join us! It’s simply called Covert Narcissism Group. The answers started pouring in!Person after person stated I stopped being m

May 07,2023 15:48

102. 8 Signs of Circular Conversations from a Covert Narcissist Part 1 (Throwback Episode)

Covert narcissists don't use conversations to find understanding, reconciliation, or compromise. They don't see them as a way to connect with a loved one, to spend time getting to know each other better. To them, conversations are about winning. They are for putting the other person down and showing their superiority.Conversations are competitions. One person comes out a winner, and one a loser. This is warfare. It is the single most lonely place on the face of this earth. If you have experience

May 04,2023 16:00

103. Reliving Your Teenage Years with a Covert Narcissist

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Escaping a relationship with a covert narcissist is a lot like living your teenage years all over again.You are back in a place of trying to find you…again.You are learning to stand up for yourself…again.Dealing with big emotions…Angry and reactiveWho wants to go back and live their teenage years? I certainly don’t.To demonstrate this, we are going to use a Venn diagram. Do you k

Apr 23,2023 18:31

104. Covert Narcissists Seem So Genuine - Special Throwback Episode

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Even people who are aware of narcissism and victims themselves can still end up in a relationship with a covert narcissist. They seem so real, genuine, open, and vulnerable. Why do they seem so genuine?A covert narcissist is more in love with the idea of being a compassionate person than actually being a compassionate person. They fool us because their desire to be that compassio

Apr 14,2023 14:22

105. Words from My Son, Part Two

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast I am absolutely privileged to have my oldest son join me one more time for a guest episode. In today's episode, we address two specific topics:Is there a right timing for divorce based on the ages of the kids?What did your mom do right and what did she

Mar 30,2023 24:22

106. Hyper Vigilance - Your Mind in Over Drive

My mind has never worked so hard, ever in my entire life. I hit a level of mental overdrive that I did not know existed. Overthinking, over analyzing, over fixing, overcompensating, over monitoring. Over, and over, and over.This did not happen overnight. It wasn’t day one in the relationship. It was gradual. How did it happen?Early in my marriage, I told him he had toothpaste on his mouth. He blew up and it shocked me to my core. And it never got resolved. So, lesson learned. I’ll never say tha

Mar 26,2023 20:50

107. Covert narcissism and the Wizard of Oz, Part 1

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast To sign up for the our new Men's Group Session, click the link below.https://www.covertnarcissism.com/group-session We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. Because, because, because, because….because of the wonderful things he does?Who

Mar 12,2023 23:03

108. The Narcissistic Collapse

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast I came home one night to a completely dark house to find my 37 year old husband sitting in a dark room crying, I thought, Oh my gosh, did someone die? What has happened? Clearly something was wrong. As I talked with him, I learned that he was sitting in

Mar 05,2023 25:04

109. Guys Living with a Covert Narcissistic Wife

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast Covert narcissism is not a gender issue. This is absolutely affecting both men and women. I talk from my perspective because that is what I lived, but I know there are many men out there who are living this nightmare with a covert narcissistic wife.And

Mar 02,2023 24:15

110. Living with Years of Nitpicking - Special Guest Episode

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of Chapter 1 of my upcoming book potentially titled: Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching a Ghost, click the link below.https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast The extreme passive aggressiveness of their constant nitpicking is debilitating. You can’t ever be right, about anything. They constantly correct you. You say that your dog is 3 years old, and they correct you saying that he is 3 and a half years old. You say

Feb 16,2023 26:16

111. The EXPERT on EVERYTHING

To donate to the Covert Narcissism Podcast and receive your free copy of chapter one of my upcoming book, potentially titled:Grasping Covert Narcissism, Catching A Ghost, click the link below. https://patron.podbean.com/covertnarcissismpodcast If you have ever lived with a covert narcissist, you know that they are the expert on everything. In their own eyes. They know everything. They say everything exactly right. They do everything exactly right. Everything they do is intentional, justified,

Feb 12,2023 19:21

112. Everyone Around Me is a Narcissist!

Help! Everyone around me is a narcissist! They are everywhere!!Once you start identifying the elements of narcissism that have infiltrated your personal life, it can certainly seem like narcissism is everywhere you look now.My mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my friend, my coworker, my boss, my neighbor, the stranger in the store, the clerk at the gas station, the lawyer in the news.It’s everywhere! And we want to go screaming into the night! The random red flags that we see all around us rem

Jan 22,2023 17:07

113. Covert Narcissism and Hyper-Sensitivity

Covert narcissism is narcissism from a unique angle. The internal characteristics are the same as an overt narcissist, but it plays out differently.Narcissism is not defined in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as the loud and boisterous life of the party. It does not list traits of hitting, cheating, and yelling. Rather, NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is defined as having a grandiose sense of self-importance, requiring excessive admiration, believing that

Jan 15,2023 15:43

114. Not All Narcissism is the Same

Someone recently commented on my Tiktok video, saying that they have been confident that they are married to a CN, but now are struggling bad wondering it they are the narcissist. I totally understand this! It is actually extremely common that it’s mind-blowing! I want to help you understand why this happens and to describe the different types of narcissistic behavior.Everyone has moments of displaying narcissistic behaviors and traits. And not all narcissism is wicked and evil. There are elemen

Jan 08,2023 19:54

115. Pseudo Recovery: A Trap set by Covert Narcissists

Does a narcissist ever change? Can they ever get better? Is there any hope?He/She says that they are working on it, that they are getting help. They even go to therapy. How much time should I give them? How will I know if it is for real?I get asked this all the time. I have talked with so many who are completely stuck because of these very questions. They say things like - I think he/she is getting better. Things have been calmer for quite a while. They are being more cooperative, nicer, giving

Nov 13,2022 14:02

116. Mirroring: Absorbing Your Identity to Have One of Their Own

Did you feel like you had the perfect soulmate for you? I remember saying, You’re like the male version of me, and I’m the female version of you. We just had so much in common and connected on so many levels.Mirroring is a manipulative tactic used by covert narcissists to charm you and catch you as their prey. However, mirroring plays out in several ways in these toxic relationships. Understanding this can certainly help you to make more sense out of the crazy nightmare.Mirroring is when one per

Oct 30,2022 23:49

117. Being Told You Are Too Sensitive

Have you ever been accused of being too sensitive? Being too emotional? Have you ever told yourself that you should be stronger, less emotional? I want to challenge these questions and judgements.This episode is inspired by the book titled The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People by Shahida Arabi. The subtitle of the book is How to Reclaim Your Power from Narcissists and Other Manipulators. If you have not yet read this book, I do highly recommend it.The world will tell y

Oct 23,2022 18:53

118. Hearing from Members of the CNG Group Retreat, October 2022

This is a special treat from Kentucky in the USA. This is my first ever in-person retreat for members from CNG Group Coaching Sessions.These are women who have lived this nightmare and are on that healing journey too. Listen to their words, their feelings, their stories, and their hearts. Just like you, they felt alone, worthless, hopeless, and empty. Now we embraced each other with open arms, sharing laughter and tears in an amazing weekend event.I know you will benefit from hearing from them.

Oct 16,2022 30:13

119. Toxic Shaming: An Intensely Powerful Tool of the Covert Narcissist

Toxic shaming is about obedience and compliance. Narcissistic people use this tool often to manipulate their victims.Covert narcissists have a defining sense of being defective and unlovable. This haunts them all their life. It creates a lifelong fight against shame. Shame is an emotion experienced when one’s flaws and deficits become known or when one is afraid they will become known.They actually get trapped in a cycle of anger when their shame is triggered. Their anger is their way of not dea

Oct 09,2022 20:21

120. 4 Boundaries to Implement for Yourself

Last week, I talked about where the story begins. With narcissistic people, their story does not begin with how they treated you. Rather it begins with how you react to their treatment of you.Today is part two. I am going to give you an approach to boundary setting that has been absolutely life changing for me. A new perspective that allows you to take charge of your own life and be the person you want to be. Such a simple approach, but one we so often overlook.Highly sensitive people must work

Oct 03,2022 22:45

121. Where Does the Story Begin?

I don’t care too much for the word codependent in today’s world. It has come to mean something incredibly negative. It portrays a weak, beaten down individual who has no ability to stand up for themselves. Someone who is emotional and sensitive, and they are told that their emotions are stupid and a waste of time. They are told that they have no self-love and must please others in order to feel adequate about themselves. Codependent individuals are portrayed as carrying a lot of deep internal sh

Sep 25,2022 17:03

122. Guard Dogging: The Covert Narcissist’s Justification for Their Own Anger

I used to describe my husband as being like a guard dog. Always on high alert, looking for any threat to his territory, just waiting to pounce, eager to attack, hyper-sensitive, hyper-alert, always on the prowl.The first place that I really identified this was regarding our kids. He would sit outside of the room they were playing in, listening and just waiting for them to do something, anything wrong. Then he would pounce on them. He would come boiling in, full steam, so harsh at them, as if wha

Sep 11,2022 18:29

123. Intermittent Reinforcement, A Powerful Manipulation Tool

Why can’t I leave? What is this crazy ride I am on? One minute I want out so badly, but the next I am fighting to stay. Do I want to stay? Do I want to go? Why can’t I make up my mind? What is wrong with me?There is nothing wrong with you! You have been a victim of an incredibly powerful manipulation tool called intermittent reinforcement. I am going to describe that tool today and tell you why it has such a strong effect on you and so many other victims.Intermittent reinforcement is the deliver

Sep 04,2022 22:04

124. Your Warning System is Not Broken

I’m so easily upset. I didn’t use to be, but I am now. Is something wrong with me?I’ve become so reactive. The smallest things really upset me now. Am I the problem?I'm on high alert all the time. I feel defensive and easily triggered. Am I the narcissist?We all have a built in warning system. It is designed to keep us safe from harm. This warning system causes us to feel anxious and upset, on high alert, on edge, not trusting the situation, and incredibly uncomfortable. The warning system is de

Aug 28,2022 22:28

125. How Do I Handle the Triggers

When living in an abusive situation, a victim often becomes reactive. The environment is not emotionally safe. You are walking on eggshells every day of your life. Your mind is in hyper-drive and hyper-alert all the time. You never feel good enough for this abusive person. You can’t ever do anything right. You are constantly judged and blamed. Your thoughts and feelings never matter. You have no space to be human.This is a traumatic environment. It is incredibly damaging and leaves significant i

Aug 21,2022 23:50

126. Covert Narcissists’ Constant Need for Validation

Covert narcissists have an insatiable need for constant validation. It is an addiction for them. They have to be fed ALL the time. And it will still never be enough.Their need for validation is like a cup with no bottom. You pour in all this positive energy, and it just flows right out the other end and is gone. No matter how much you love them, respect them, admire them, care for them, approve of them, build them up, it will never be enough.They only see all the ways that you don’t. Any tiny cr

Aug 14,2022 17:19

127. Covert Narcissists Rule Their Environment

When you are with a covert narcissist, you gradually and even completely disappear as an individual. You no longer matter in your world. They completely rule the environment. They are the one in charge of the dance that is going on between you and them. Their moves are the ones that decide the direction you go. Today I am discussing two distinct ways that this plays out - their timetable is the only one that matters and their mood sets the mood of the home. These two things, among others, put th

Aug 07,2022 19:59

128. How Do We Raise Kids with a Covert Narcissist?

Anyone who is here listening to this podcast is dealing with an emotionally unavailable person. A person who does not have clearly defined boundaries nor honor your clearly defined boundaries. A person who is not emotionally safe for spontaneous and easy interactions.In all these podcast episodes, I talk through many characteristics of a covert narcissist. If I had to briefly define a covert narcissist, it is a person who is psychologically and emotionally unsafe and damaging to those closest to

Jul 31,2022 20:34

129. How Do I Explain Covert Narcissism

How do I explain this abuse to friends and family who don’t get it.How do I tell them? People who I really want to understand it. I want them to know why I’ve done some of what I’ve done. I want to hear my side of the story. I want them to think better of me.I understand that drive to explain it to others. You want them to know you. You want them to hear you. I am going to use a couple of analogies today, one to better explain why they just won’t get it and one that you can use in explaining it

Jul 24,2022 22:46

130. 4 Boundaries for YOU When you are with a Covert Narcissist

How in the world do we set boundaries with a covert narcissist? How do we protect ourselves from all the damage they are doing?The boundaries that we need to set are for us, not for them. The boundaries are for you. Setting boundaries for them is like giving them a challenge. It’s game on, basically a guarantee that this will do it. Here are 4 boundaries for you to consider and work on!Stop explaining yourself to them, defending yourself Stop making yourself vulnerable to them Stop expecting th

Jul 17,2022 24:45

131. My View on Codependency

In today’s world, the word narcissism is extremely common. It is getting thrown around in many relationships, homes, places of business, schools. All over social media. Victims identify it in their abusers. Abusers throw the accusation back at their victims.The word narcissism is being used by many that have no idea what it means. They get mad at someone and immediately call them a narcissist. They don’t like their opinion or have a disagreement, and the word narcissist comes flying out.Therapis

Jul 10,2022 20:48

132. JUST Enough Good from a Covert Narcissist

Relationships with covert narcissists often last years and decades. Why? Why did I stay for over 2 decades with this verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive man? Why didn’t I see it sooner?? Is there something wrong with me that I didn’t see it? Because covert narcissists are experts at giving just enough to keep you hooked!!The Covert Narcissist is Just EnoughJust enough good to keep you in, Just enough bad to chase you awayJust enough good to make you feel loved and cherished, Just enou

Jul 03,2022 19:26

133. Love Bombing Part Two

Welcome back to the covert narcissism podcast. I’m Renee Swanson, your host. Last week we started talking about Love bombing. What is it? How is it different from genuine relationships? How do I keep from falling prey to this again in my future relationships?If you missed last week’s episode, please go back and listen to that one first. Then pick it up here.People often talk about love bombing that happened at the beginning of the relationship. However, relationships with toxic people don’t alwa

Jun 26,2022 21:56

134. Love Bombing

Love bombing is when one person is overly attentive to the other, absorbed by them, and uses this to gain control and to manipulate the other. They consume you with their love, attention and affection. However once you are under their spell, their behavior turns and the devaluing begins. The cycle of love bombing and devaluing is an integral part of the relationship with a covert narcissist.Love bombing can erase weeks and even months of bad behavior. We talk a lot about the ugly side of covert

Jun 19,2022 19:56

135. Interview with Ross Rosenberg

This special extra-long episode is an incredibly helpful interview with Ross Rosenberg. We talk about his book, The Human Magnet Syndrome, the draw that happens between narcissistic people and their victims, a new look at codependency, and how to begin that healing journey. What starts off as the codependent’s dream “soul mate” almost always transforms into their nightmare “cellmate.”Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and celebrated author. He's a

Jun 12,2022 46:31

136. Your Rights When With a Covert Narcissist

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?”Now that I have shown how I will treat every word that comes out of your mouth, you better just shut up. I’m better than you at manipulating things, turning things against you, controll

Jun 05,2022 20:33

137. Covert Narcissism Podcast Trailer

Hi, I’m Renee Swanson. Host of the covert narcissism podcast!Narcissism is a very common word in today’s world. Narcissists are the arrogant, self-centered, loud life of the party, who only talk about themselves, bragging and over-exaggerating their achievements.Covert narcissists aren’t like this. They hide their narcissism to an insane level. Not only does the world not see it, but the victim doesn’t see it. Even the covert narcissist can convince themselves that they are caring and compassion

Feb 06,2022 00:58

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