Ugly Christmas Dog Lyrics

Some kids want a pony

Others want a bike

But this Christmas, Dear old Santy Claus,

I want you to bring me something a little different...

A best friend.

I want a big fat ugly fucked up dog for Christmas

A crunchy pup that wheezes when it walks

I can pet him on his hairless blistering belly

Don't get him too excited or his eye will surely pop

I want a tiny fugly dying dog for christmas

He's got an underbite despite his lack of teeth

He better have hip dysplasia and bladder problems

And a big flat nose so he can barely even breathe

When I look underneath my christmas tree

There better be a little puddle of puppy pee

Cause when Santa came down my chim-en-ey

He brought this itsy bitsy mutt hand delivered to me

Please don't point and please don't stare

He's got cataracts so he might think you're bear

And he'll bite a chunk out of your leg

And I'll say:

Ay ay! Down boy, down.

I'm so sorry, alright, he can't see you

So he thinks that all people are bears

RARF

Yeah, yeah, he said rarf okay?

He doesn't know how to bark yet

He was never socialized around other dogs

I'm trying to work on it so have some fucking patience

I want a festering boil-covered mangy mutt for Christmas

(Shooby-dooby Doop-dop-doot-doot)

Three legs one eye and a tail that was bitten off

(Shooby-dooby Doop-dop-doot-doot)

He can only eat raw chicken feet from Costco

(Shooby-dooby Doop-dop-doot-doot)

Cuz if he eats anything else he'll get whooping cough

(Shooby-dooby Doop-dop-doot-doot)

I want a shit for brains geriatric dog for Christmas

That kind that won't live to see next Christmas Eve

He'd be lucky if he lived to see September

Which gives me three whole months that I can use to grieve

Oh Santa won't you come down and bring to me

A pup that struggles to breathe and can hardly see

I wanna love him and squeeze him and hold him tight

Because if looks could kill then I think that he might

He'll be an Instagram star and get me tons of views

We'll start a Go Fund Me to pay his medical dues

And he'll bite a chunk out of my leg

And I'll say:

OW!

AH FUCK!

Ow, no, it's okay, we were close to a breakthrough

Don't pet him from the front!

You have to come from behind

Where he can't see you, what are you thinking?

Do you understand how hard it is to deal with this fucking dog?

Awe, what an interesting looking dog you have. What kind is he?

Well, he's a bit of a mixed breed

Which ones?

Well, let's see...

Well he's a Schnauzer, Pinscher, Bulldog too

He's a Frenchie and a Dachshund and Poodliedoo

He's a Greyhound, Wolfhound, Bloodhound, Maltese

His legs are from Huskies and his face is Bichon Frise

He's got the teeth of a Pug and the bark of an Inu

His tail says Chihuahua but his ears says Shit Zhu

Dalmatian, Doberman, St. Bernard

And one time he bit a cat so he also has rabies!

I want a fucked up dog!

I want a fucked up dog!

Santa, won't you bring me a fucked up dog!

Alright everybody!

I want a fucked up dog!

I want a fucked up dog!

Santa, won't you bring me a fucked up dog!

Let me hear you, sing it with your chest!

I want a fucked up dog! (Oh yeah!)

I want a fucked up dog! (Please!)

Santa, won't you bring me a fucked up dog!

I want a fucked up dog! (I want it!)

I want a fucked up dog! (Gimme the dog Santa!)

Santa, won't you bring me a fucked up dog!

Please, Santa, please!