Heavy Petting Lyrics

When in the land wide and far

The year comes to an end

Is when the competition starts

And the governors descend

Travel in packs of 5s

It's never a surprise

I win the medal yet again

A farmers pride and joy

For this particular event

The measures I employ

You cannot buy in cash

I thought you'd never ask

Because every year I toil

I tutor and I train

My plans are never foiled

The bounty that I claim

With my soldiers are worth

The painfulness of birth

Regardless of the milk

Or the tenderness of the meat

Fur as fine as silk

Is really what I really need

The judges drop their jaws

In unadulterated awe

My men are training night and day

They never disobey

It's just routine and discipline

The only way to win

My men are training night and day

And there's no other way

I thought I heard the floorboards creek

There's something underneath

I know how the animals think

and what they're really like

I hear them whispering

When they're standing in line

They're plotting their escape

All I can do is wait

Trotters raised above their heads

And furry somersaults

Assemble at my behest

But they're planning assault

Judgement day is close and

I know that they know

I taught you everything you know

How can you go

Is this the thanks I get

I protest my innocence

But it makes no difference

As they drag me out of bed

Tie something around my neck

As they gave me my final

Farmyard salute