The Muleshoe Masturbator Lyrics

No-one knows where he came from, and we all forgot his name

He was certainly a pervert and he might have been insane

For years he terrorized motorists, for to their shame and dread

He'd beat off by the highway with a white sack o'er his head

Now every cop 'round Muleshoe had sought this man for quite some time

For when an old lady saw him, she'd nearly lose her mind

The cops started off quite skeptical, but with time they realized

That this menace was real, and that he had truly crossed the line

He's the Muleshoe Masturbator

Don't you try to come back lookin' later

'Cause he's turned West Texas to a slipping slide

And if you don't watch out, he'll give you a ride

Now, the Masturbator's reckoning came rollin' 'round one night

He performed his ritual in front of just the wrong set of headlights

My great aunt Mina saw him, but she made sure to stay calm

She got home to my granddad Jim and screamed all that she saw

She made Jim call Sheriff Jerry Hicks to tell him of the crime

The Sheriff said, I'll meet y'all where she saw him in ten minutes' time

Six law enforcement vehicles trailed Jim Crawford along

To where that White Sack Stranger stood, trying to put his clothes back on

They surrounded and arrested him, defeated and in cuffs

They wouldn't even touch that greasy bastard without a pair of gloves

They could have given Mina time to calm down, but instead

The highway patrol walked up to her, and this is what he said

Ma'am? You're the witness here right? Now, I'm askin' you a big favor

But we were wondering if you'd be available to come down to our station

Monday morning for an interview

Now, it's gonna be real simple. All we're gonna do is, we'll have

an anonymous lineup of five naked men, masturbating with sacks over their heads

Could you pick out the offending penis

He's the Muleshoe Masturbator

Don't you try to come back lookin' later

'Cause he's turned West Texas to a slipping slide

And if you don't watch out, he'll give you a ride