Columbus

I pledge allegiance to the unhappiest boy in the world

He finds me every morning with his coffee press and heart-attack complaints

He says the internet has dragged his love-life back into the ocean

The primordial ooze

It's way out, Jack

I pledge allegiance to the unhappiest girl in the world

She finds me in the pub I thought was mine, I thought my own

She resurrects unpleasantness, she drags it out like Christ

Must have dragged poor dead, dry Lazarus from his cave into the light

I try to say, "Is it like that, with this? Are you trying to impress disciples?"

Instead I say stuff like, "How's your Dad?"